Exile838

 

That's right, it's a new day. Things have changed. My life is small, my job pays to little, and I have to keep my passion in check most of the time. I play hard. I rage hard. Most importantly I love hard. That's me simplified. I'm a complicated person. I am brilliant at times, and hope some day I'll do something right. I'll care about the right person. They'll care for me back. I hope for that day. That however, is not the day I'm referring to. The new day I'm reffering to is the days of staying safe and staying comfortable are over for me. The only sure thing I can count on is my lord and savior Jesus Christ. Aside from the lord almighty, there isn't one solid thing in my life. It's all liquid. I'm treading water, and I don't see anything solid coming my way. So I'm swimming blindly hoping that something solid will be there. Praying that I am blessed. I know how to be thankful for what I have. I came from nothing. I've never had much of anything. More often than not I gave others what little I did have. I understand now that people will take from you until you demand the payment you've earned. I'll drown before I let it slide. I am owed a debt and I will drown before I relinquish my work and my right to payment. I will have respect. I will not settle for anything aside from the truth. Because I care about justice. I love what's right. What I think is right is what I will persue. And most importantly without the truth there can be no justice. I do not know what the future holds. I do not know if I will drown before I reach something solid. But my days of treading water are over. I will swim, and if I die before I reach something solid then so be it. I will not live in fear of the evil that wicked people plan for me. Their wickedness and their plots to destroy me cannot hold up to the justice of my lord and savior Jesus. If he has chosen this as the time of my demise then I will embrace it and be thankful for the life I have lived. Whatever may come I'm through waiting for it. It's long overdue for me to make it happen. It is time for the prayer of Jabez to bare fruit. It is time for me to seek out the blessings in spite of the strife I've endured in my life. It's time to face my limitations and find out how damaged I am. Then it will be time to acheive my full potency.I will make it happen and I will thank god and credit him with my success when it does. I know who I am. Nobody else can tell me who to be. I'll make that choice. Hardships abound but I will face them, and defeat them one by one. As long as I possess the strength to fight I will. Peace out to all my ppl in the struggle.

Trippin' On A Hole In A Paper Heart
Songwriters: Weiland, Scott; De Leo, Dean; De Leo, Robert; Kretz, Eric

Don't cut out my paper heart
I ain't dyin' anyway
Take a look at eye full towers
Never trust them dirty liars

Sippin' lemon yellow booze
Ole' Leadbelly sings the blues
All dressed up on wedding day
Keep on trippin' anyway

I am, I am, I said, "I'm not myself
I'm not dead and I'm not for sale
So keep your bankroll lottery
Just have your deathbed motorcade"

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
I'll breathe your life Vicks Vapor life
And when you binge I purge alike

Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone
So keep your head up
Keep it on, just a whisper I'll be gone

Take a breath and make it big
It's the last you'll ever get
Break your neck with diamond noose
It's the last you'll ever choose

I am, I am, I said, "I'm not myself
I'm not dead and I'm not for sale
Hold me closer, closer let me go
Let me be, just let me be"

I am, I am, I said, "I'm not myself
I'm not dead and I'm not for sale
So keep your bankroll lottery
Just have your deathbed motorcade"

I am, I am, I said, "I'm not myself
I'm not dead and I'm not for sale
Hold me closer, closer let me go
Let me be, just let me be"

I am, I am, I said, "I'm not myself
I'm not dead and I'm not for sale
So keep your bankroll lottery
Just have your deathbed motorcade"

There are a million things that happen during the course of a lifetime. You percieve the things in front of you and guess at the rest. At some point every person learns what their limitations are. We are all limited. There is no such thing as a perfect person, but I have learned that in life when you make a sacrifice you need to be sure it is not a wasted jesture. When you master your limitations, and you know exactly what you are capable of and what you are not, you master your ability to see forward. The one thing to remember is that nothing is guaranteed. That is exactly why I keep my eye on everyone all the time. The only thing I can count on is what I am capable of. When you figure out the math you solve the problem. The problem is: (YOU) - (LIMITATIONS) + (RANDOM VARIABLES) = (THE OUTCOME). The more specific the variables the more specific the outcome. Now there is something to be said for knowing exactly how to define the random variables into actual numbers, but that isn't always an option. Life becomes about logical deduction. Sherlock Holmes said: Once you have eliminated the impossible, whatever is left no matter how improbible is the truth. The truth is the answer.

Now this might sound a little convoluted, but allow me to ellaborate. People lie. When they lie they add more variables to the equation. Each lie adds yet another variable, and ever more complexity to a problem. Lies trap you in the problem. The more people lie the more the real answer becomes lost, and the harder the formula is to solve. However, the truth defines a variable. Once you know that X=3 the problem of 1+X=X becomes 1+3=4. Once the truth is out there the problem is solved and you can move on to the next. That's freedom. The truth doesn't leave you always looking back wondering what X was. The point of all this is simply to illustrate that lies trap you in a problem, they make everything around you complicated and you never know what you can define and what you can't. The truth will allow the problem to be solved and set you free.

How I deal with a problem is to see through the variables and clearly define them. The funny thing is I know a variable when I see it. Don't even try to tell me X=7 when I can look at the problem and see that X clearly is X. X=7 is what a deciever wants you to see. They thrive on showing everyone how much of a 7 they are, but when I look at the problem it is not solved because the problem is written 8-x=x not 8-x=1. Some people thrive on doing a bunch of bullshit and then telling everyone that they are perfectly content. When ignorance and want combine their answer is always total bullshit. The only real evidence that X=7 is because someone says it is. The thing that always amazes me is that most of the time I'm the only one that sees that your answer to everything is utter bullshit.

Bottom line is I know myself and my limitations. I know what I am capable of and what I am not. I know how far I will go. I know who in the fuck I am. I am not writting this to define myself. I am writting this to let everyone know the problem is not solved, and I will not stop looking for the variables until I am able to define them. I don't play. I'm not here to challenge myself with seeing how many variables I can add to an equation. I see a complex problem that is confusing alot of people. I am not confused, I know what I want. I want the answer, and when I get it I will equate the problem to my satisfaction. I don't have to like the answer as long as I KNOW the answer. Although I am limited in the amount of resourses I can draw upon, I am not limited in trying my best in spite of my limitations to keep trying to look after the people I love. Even if it means subtracting myself from the equation to simplify it. I am comprehensive. I do understand. But never make the assumtion that because I understand something I am going to accept it. I understand why you want x to equal 7, but if I see that it doesn't I don't give a fuck what you say. Because a lie is not the truth. Ignorance is not bliss. Manipulation is not love. Living a lie is not freedom, it is a trap. So make your decisions with care, because when you face the world each day the truth is what you keep in your heart. I know that how something looks isn't always how something is. But no matter what you justify to yourself, there is always right and wrong. Chances are that if you have to hide behind a bunch of variables to think you are in control of the outcome you are probably in the wrong, and further more most likely the situation is probably out of hand and you couldn't be farther from being in control.

In life many people use variables to get you to see what they want you to see. They tell you what the definitions are, but they are giving you false definitions. A weak person accepts those definitions and allows that person to do what ever they want. I wonder if you will ever wake up and see that if you stop trying to earn their acceptance and approval they will not care about you. I dare anyone to try this. If you stop doing whatever it is that someone wants you to do with people to earn acceptance (most likely sex or drugs), how many of them will stick around. How many people are just using you because they have convinced you that they are just like you. Try it, make only healthy choices and see how many of your socalled friends stand by you. I stick with the people I love, until they start leing to me. I know the damage lies can do. I deserve better than that. I will settle for nothing less. So you have the choice, you can either be less than, or greater than. Although I love my people, I will not live in a state of false bliss. I am always here for the people I love. I am always watching the variables. I am always paying attention. I am perceptive because I look for the truth. I'm still looking for it.

Never trust someone who lies to you and never lie to someone who trusts you.